Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
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Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
There is no try. There is only give up.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
“A little help here, Danny?”
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!