Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
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“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
💯😂
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”