By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
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[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.