It was worth a shot 😂
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[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Breaking news:
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]