my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
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“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.