CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
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Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
finally found a reasonable question
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”