My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
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Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Hey I worked for it too!
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now