*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
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$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
i really liked this one
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
and now we wait
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Yup
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?