My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
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Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
it’s a van. how do they not know this