*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
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Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Kids, do not try this at home!
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”