i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
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CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
“Sheer Arrogance”
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”