Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
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My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
finally
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.