Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
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Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.