The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
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Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
best first i’ve ever seen
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed