Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
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Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Love is in the air fryer.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.