HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
*skinny dips into black hole
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.