All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
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her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?