[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
You Might Also Like
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold