I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
You Might Also Like
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most