I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
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can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
motivation
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja