This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
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some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
whatcha thinkin bout
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
No laws when master is gone
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.