Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
You Might Also Like
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Breaking news:
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.