[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
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cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..