Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
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Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
🌱🌱🌱
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire