I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
You Might Also Like
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*