My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
You Might Also Like
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage