Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
You Might Also Like
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Pizza is an emotion right?
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
If you want my opinion ask my wife