Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
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“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)