Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
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[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
dude it’s called proctologist
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*