“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
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I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.