Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
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I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
i spent way too long on this
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*