heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
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Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁