I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
You Might Also Like
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad