[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
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I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.