*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
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On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?