For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
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Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.