Bed should get ready for ME
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It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
good for her
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.