Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
You Might Also Like
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.