I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
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Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Salad is the decaf of food.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.