I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
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*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”