Bill is short for Billiam
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I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
I did not eat the cake…
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.