I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
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we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.