[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
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This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
We have a winner.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?