*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
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One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.