ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
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You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Peace was never an option
#oldknees
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
incredible text to wake up to
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster