[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
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My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.