“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
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ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”