we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
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Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.