Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
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I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together