You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
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I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?